Tales from the first tee
Stories about my life experiences and others as I work at one of the premier golf clubs in Charleston, SC. Interviews with golfers around the world that have one thing in common...the pursuit of excellence on a golf course and everything else that happens along the way.
Tales from the first tee
Sweltering in the South: Golf, Gators, and Southern Expressions Re-release
Tales from the First Tee returns with a heat-soaked episode full of Southern expressions, golf course characters, and the peculiar relationships we form with our equipment. Your host Rich Easton shares stories from the sweltering fairways of Charleston where even alligators have more sense than the golfers braving triple-digit temperatures.
• Team play at Charleston National where all players must contribute for success
• Mississippi native "Cloudy Graves" and his colorful Southern expressions for every situation
• Golf etiquette pet peeves including slow play and unwanted ball handling
• Chance encounter with actor/musician Charles Esten (Outer Banks, Nashville) over bourbon
• Playing with Dr. Lester "No Surprises" Payne and discovering golf clubs have feelings
• The importance of recognizing heat exhaustion symptoms while playing summer golf
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You're listening to another episode of Tales from the First Tee. I'm your host, Rich Easton, recording from beautiful Charleston, South Carolina, South Carolina. If you're a new listener, welcome. If you're a returning listener, thank you. Tales has been downloaded in over 500 cities in 33 countries worldwide, so for everybody around the globe. Thanks for tuning in. I appreciate it. All right, I got a little crazy carried away with the keyboards, but hey, I'm excited about this week's episode, this week's episode. For the past two weeks the heat index has sweltered into the hundreds. Now I've played golf in 115 degrees in Scottsdale, Arizona, and that was like putting your head in a convection oven, Playing golf in the heat of the summer down south with 40% humidity. Well, if you're from other places, like all of Texas, West Africa or even Death Valley, you get it. Golfers come to Charleston in the heat of the summer and while I'm sitting at the first tee box, ask hey, are we going to see any alligators on the course?
Speaker 1:Hey, newsflash gators aren't as crazy as golfers. They submerge when it gets beastly hot so they don't fry. In the past week I've played with guys that have flirted with heat exhaustion and when you start walking like a sloth to your ball.
Speaker 4:With leaves and fruits and shoots to eat.
Speaker 1:How sweet to be a sloth and start getting dizzy, it's time to either dose yourself with ice, electrolytes and shade or get off the course. Find a cool, dark place or a pool, or go to the ocean. Staying on the course to tough it out will only accelerate your kid's inheritance. In this week's episode I'll share some of my heat-induced on-course discussions with my buddy, who I'll call Dr Lester Payne. He's an anesthesiologist from Ohio and his buddies call him no surprises, Les Payne, him no surprises, less pain. But before I tell those stories, I'd like to share a segment that I call Where's Richie?
Speaker 4:Anybody seen Richie? Huh, I'm going to keep coming back until somebody remembers seeing Richie.
Speaker 1:Have you ever played in an event where your team would like to see everyone in the foursome pull their weight? I play in this 16-man. Well, there's some women. Let's call it 16-golfer four-team event. Every week, our commissioner, let's call him Billy the Kid. Billy determines the game and the pairings, and if you think that's easy, have at it. Billy the Kid is born to do this. Not only does he set up the game and the pairings, he tracks every shot he's ever made for the past 1850 rounds of golf. I get a kick out of it. I get a kick out of Friday morning when I'm on the first tee and he passes after playing nine and he finishes after 18 trying to guess his score, the number of putts he made, how many fairways and greens he made in regulation, and I'll tell you I'm probably not off, but maybe one or two every week. Last week, billy paired me with three other good guys I mean guys I really enjoyed playing with. There was Serious Bob, deadly Dave and a guy I like to call Cloudy Graves.
Speaker 1:The game was entire team play. So basically we're rooting for each other instead of just rooting for ourselves or, in some cases, against somebody, and this game here is how it was played. For all the par fives they counted the best two net scores out of the four of us, on the par fours the best three out of the four, and on the par threes they counted all four of our net scores, of our net scores. Now at charleston national, all of the par threes you have to have carry over marsh and water or both, and that means that if any one of the players in the foursome hits it in the marsh, they're gonna post a big number on that hole and it's gonna count against the foursome. So obviously, when you're playing with a group of other three people, you got your fingers crossed that they hit it over the marsh.
Speaker 1:Now our foursome ended up maybe one or two over par for the collective four par threes. We knew that that would get us into the payday, but that's not the story. The story isn't about how serious Bob kept us on track and focused to score as low as we could, or how deadly Dave almost made a trip to the Minute Clinic to get an IV to prevent heat stroke. This story is about cloudy graves and his southern expressions Mississippi Queen. If you know what I mean, this guy, cloudy, has an expression for just about everything.
Speaker 2:Whew, that's gonna be a scorcher. It is hotter than blue blazes About 110 in the shade. The heat I'm fine with that's. When it gets humid I'm sweating like a whore in church. It is hotter than Hades. It is hot as all good out. It is hotter than two hamsters screwing in a wool church. It is hotter than Hades. It is hot as all good out. It is hotter than two hamsters screwing in a wool sock. It is hotter than a pontoon propeller. It is hotter than a revved up Motor Trend Truck of the Year, dodge Ram's exhaust pipe. We're fixing to eat. We're fixing to clean up. We're fixing to start a movie. I'm fixing to start getting ready to make dinner. Britches are a little snug, been eating too many of mama's casseroles Her breakfast casseroles, mexican casserole, sweet potato casserole, class-baked potato casserole. Any type of meat mixed with sour cream and mushroom soup casserole About as useless as tits on a boar hug.
Speaker 1:Cloudy is originally from good old Mississippi, spent a good amount of his adult time in Tennessee and now spends most of his time separating golfers from their wallets on the golf course. He spent a career as a G-man, which was the perfect job for him, because he has the most finely tuned bullshit meter of anybody I've ever met. I mean, he could see angles in every story that most people would just gloss over. The only thing keener than his golf game is a sense of humor. Some people find fault like there's a reward for it. That's the job of a G-man, and once a G-man, always a G-man. But Cloudy does it with a smile. We spent four and a half hours playing golf and I think I've got weeks of material. I mean, cloudy is like the Sebastian Maniscalco of the South.
Speaker 5:Everybody's dying for yogurt. They see like a pink berry. They're like I want to go get some pink berry. I'm not a yogurt guy but I had to go look to see what the problem was. I'm sitting in line. I'm watching people eat the yogurt. First of all, everybody had a sample before they got. What is the sampling? I don't do samples. These two women came up so proud of themselves. They're like excuse me, do you have some pomegranate? Do you have the pomegranate? Could we try the pomegranate? They were so happy they were going to get a free lick. Now the guy's got to turn around, he's got to fill up a little Dixie Lick cup and he hands it out. Grown women, but they're like kids when they get it they're like this is good.
Speaker 4:I like this one.
Speaker 5:I don't do any of this. I just got the green tea If I don't like it. This I just got the green tea If I don't like it. Yeah, I fucked up.
Speaker 1:I mean we get to this one hole. Behind the hole there's a piece of property and there's a guy mowing his lawn. And Cloudy looks over and goes hey man, no self-respecting southerner cuts a lawn that small on a riding mower. And somehow we get on the topic of beer bellies and he just says something. I know I'm going to get this wrong and he's going to correct me, but he says something like hey man, once a man uses his junk to start a family, he builds a hut above it to retire in. Yeah, cloudy and I share a lot of observations on the golf course, particularly when people are behaving in a manner that encroaches on us. Slow play unnerves him, unnerves me. I mean, I think people should play ready golf. I mean to the point where you're just not getting in anybody's way.
Speaker 1:But come on, somebody's looking for a ball, and they're definitely in there looking for a ball or they're struggling trying to figure out what club they want to use. Go ahead and hit your ball and gimmies. I mean he, like I do, has a pet peeve about gimmies. I mean you should all start off putting everything out, unless it contributes to slow play or it just doesn't matter, then somebody is going to tell you to pick it up and it'll be fine. You ever notice when you hit a golf ball and other people start saying something about the ball? Slow down, slow down or hurry, hurry, get over it, hurry, go left, get there, get. Do me a favor, keep your freaking mouth off of my ball. I'm the only one who gives my ball instructions. If I hit it, I have a pretty good idea of where it's going, and if I want it to go farther, I'll be like fly, fly.
Speaker 1:Like what I say is not going to matter, but it helps me with my anxiety after I hit a shitty shot. I don't need you telling me what my ball should be doing. Plus, some people give it like mixed directions, like hurry, hurry, hurry, and the ball like hits the middle of the green and starts rolling off and they're like stop, stop, stop. Yeah, freaking ball can only take one direction and it can only take it from its master. And while we're on the topic of people messing with your balls don't be nasty, perros, don't pick up my ball. I have seen so many guys pick up their balls, spit on it and clean it and put it back on the green. I do that sometimes. So the other day I'm playing and one of the guys I'm playing with hits up on the green. I still haven't approached yet he goes around, takes his card around the corner, goes into the woods and decides it's pee time.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 1:I hit my shot up on the green. When he's done peeing, he comes up to the green and now he is scratching his ass and I'm like, okay, hey, guy's got an itchy ass, what are you going to do? But then he walks over to my ball, which is in the way of his ball, marks it and picks it up. The guy just peed, he is scratching his ass. I don't want him touching my ball. I don't want you with your spitting hands picking up my ball. I don't want your saliva on my ball. I don't know where your hands have been. You could have COVID, I don't know. But do me a favor, just keep your hands off my ball. If you want to send it back to me, use your putter head and putt it to me, but for God's sake, leave my balls alone.
Speaker 1:Of the entire day of playing, I think the thing that I laughed at most was so, like I had said earlier, everybody has to contribute for the team to do well and for you to come in on the money. So a lot of people encourage people. Hey, you can do better. Hey, that was a great shot. So I am not playing well for the first six or seven holes and I've got a pretty good excuse. My excuse is this the night before, my excuse is this the night before I happened to be invited to go to some kind of beach gathering at this hut they call it the COVID Cabana owned by this guy who lives in Sullivan's Island Nicest guy with a bunch of really cool friends Like them. I think they do it every Friday night. They've done it for 71 weeks in a row. It every Friday night.
Speaker 4:They've done it for 71 weeks in a row. This week was a little different, because Charles Esten shows up for an hour and a half to drink bourbon with us. I see you dancing around me. You got something to prove.
Speaker 1:It just so happens that a night earlier I had been playing golf with a good buddy of mine, Jersey Tim, and we got down and it was a heat wave of well over 100 degrees and I needed a cool beverage quickly we were we're at the IOP.
Speaker 1:So we decided let's go to Windjammer and let's go have a drink. So we get to Windjammer, it's like 5 30 and as we go in there they're telling us, hey, you basically have 20 minutes to get a drink and then we close the place down and reopen it for ticket holders. And I'm like ticket holders for what? And I go well, you got. Charles Esten has his band in town. I guess they were launching the second season of Outer Banks. He was in Outer Banks, he was in Nashville, but he's doing like a little concert here on the beach to kind of break the second season. He's doing like a little concert here on the beach to kind of break the second season.
Speaker 1:And, truth be told, I haven't watched Outer Banks and I never watched Nashville and I'm a Connie Britton fan but I never watched it. So anyway, I'm having a drink, I decided Tim, and I decide, okay, let's leave. And I'm like I mean, I got to, I'm still, I need to quench my thirst. So I go back in and I walk outside and his band starts playing and country music is. I have some of songs on my playlist, but it's not predominant. But I got to tell you this guy rocked the house and, I think, a lot of people. His music was great, his band was outstanding, but I think the fact that he's got a little celeb status, a little Hollywood celeb status, makes it even bigger. So people were just going nuts, they were loving his music and he put on a great concert. And so while I'm there, I happen to see a buddy of mine who works at the golf course and we see each other the next day and he's like hey, why don't you come over to this beach hut? And if you want to meet Chip Chip is what his friends call him and so I'm like yeah, cool. So I go over, he shows up and I got to tell you he's really a cool guy and this guy knows how to work a crowd, because everybody there is complimentary, telling him how great he was the night before and you know he's being really cool about it and asking questions about people.
Speaker 1:But for an hour and a half, while we're drinking beers and bourbon, he shares all his stories about working with Connie Britton. I think everybody wanted to know what is she like? I just happened to be watching Friday Night Lights again, I'm binging it and she just has incredible presence in front of a camera, like she's talking to you. I thought she was the hit of Friday Night Lights. I mean she played a great wife to the coach, but so we're asking about her and it's everything we thought.
Speaker 1:She's ultimate professional and she's easy to like, but also, like Charles, she's demanding of the writers. I mean, she'll get a scene and start acting it and just say, hey, timeout, timeout. This makes absolutely no sense and she'd suggest what she thinks her character should do. Well, charles also shared stories about him doing the same thing. So he kind of gives us like a 180 behind the camera scene of what really happens. The writers write these great stories, directors do some great directing and the actors, if they're really good. Directors do some great directing and the actors, if they're really good, they'll take the writing to heart and then try and mold it and make it pliable so it makes sense to them. So you could read between the lines.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I mean who wouldn't want to work with Connie Britton? So, anyway, the fact that I'm meeting this guy for the first time and I'm meeting a lot of other guys at the beach, I keep saying yes to more bourbon, yes to more bourbon and maybe some other things you know. And as I'm talking to him towards the end I'm thinking, hey, wouldn't it be cool to get a selfie with him and then post it on social media and use it for the cover of my next episode? And as I'm sitting there, I'm thinking that is the stupidest thing ever. I always remember coaches used to tell me when you score whatever sport you're in, you got to make it look like you've been there before. Well, I'm sitting there with these guys who have met Chip before. They've met him out there on the beach and it's like old buddies week. Nobody's taking selfies with them. So that would have been a um, a Bush league amateur move. So, uh, yeah, there are no pictures of me and Chip. So you can imagine, saturday morning seemed to come way too quickly.
Speaker 1:I mean, I had to pry my eyes open with a crowbar and get to the tee box for like a 7.04 tee time. Needless to say, I was not contributing for the first few holes. I was good enough on the first par three. It's the second hole and you got to hit over marsh. Good enough to just get it over the marsh and probably made a four, but I didn't blow up. So, even with all that bourbon still in me, I still was able to get it over the marsh. It took six or seven holes and I was not contributing at all. And so of course Cloudy has to look over at me and goes hey, has anybody seen Richie? And then he starts telling us about this Steven Seagal movie. Hey, has anybody seen Richie? And then he starts telling us about this Steven Seagal movie. Hey, has anybody seen Richie?
Speaker 4:Anybody seen Richie? Huh, I'm going to keep coming back until somebody remembers seeing Richie.
Speaker 1:This was basically the theme for the morning Is basically hey, Rich, get your head out of your ass and start contributing. So yeah, I thought that was pretty funny and my game came around good enough on the back, so we ended up somewhere in the winner's column. But let me tell you what a night of bourbon usually doesn't translate to a great next day of golf. But like I tell all the bachelor parties that come up on Friday mornings with red eyes and sunglasses, it's was it worth it the night before, and if it was, just grin and bear it.
Speaker 4:I see you dancing around me. You got something to prove.
Speaker 1:The doctor is in the house.
Speaker 4:We've got a hot one for you. Can you take care of?
Speaker 1:it. We've got a hot one for you. Can you take care of it? So Dr Lester Payne let's just call him Les comes down to Charleston every once in a while and when he does we always get together. When we play and if I'm fortunate enough, I get to go out to dinner with he and his wife and she is a singing thespian and a character, so she's more fun than he is and this guy's a hoot. But every time he comes down to play, if we don't get out to one of the Charleston tea time Book courses, you know, like the Kiowa courses or some of the island courses, we go to the home course which is Charleston National. That's where he got his first hole-in-one on this 195-yard shot over water on a day that it was raining so much that everybody else left the course except us. Just shows, don't quit, right.
Speaker 1:So Dr Less has some great sayings and, being an anesthesiologist, I ran by that quote that I had in the last episode. You know, hours of boredom, moments of terror, and he said hey, I've got one. On occasion he's invited to go to some symposiums or some conventions, and he was invited to go down to one at Emory University which is one of the most prestigious teaching and research institutions in the world, so you could imagine the brain power in the auditorium. These are the best of the best, most progressive doctors in the world, all sharing information, but along with state-of-the-art thinking always comes thousands of pounds of ego and hubris in a 20 pound bag. So every once in a while they try and make a point in these conferences, and I think a question was posed to the auditorium and one of the questions was what is the job of an anesthesiologist? Well, most of the younger, more progressive physicians eloquently waxed on what some of the newer roles and responsibilities were, Like some would say well.
Speaker 3:physician anesthesiologists evaluate, monitor and supervise patient care before, during and after surgery, delivering anesthesia, leading the anesthesia care team and ensuring optimal patient safety. Anesthesiologists specialize in anesthesia care, pain management and critical care medicine.
Speaker 1:You know, and of course all of his contemporaries, give him a golf clap when he's done. But after hearing a bunch of answers like that from some of these young guns, this old school doctor raises his hand and after hearing enough bullshit, he said the definition of anesthesiology it's where narcotics are administered to the half dead, cared for by the half asleep and butchered by the half wedded. And what he really meant was to all you self-important know-it-alls. Shut the fuck up and just listen, dr.
Speaker 4:Payne and I are playing this one hole and I hit a bad shot and I said you know.
Speaker 1:I'm just too handsy. And in a second he responded with something I guess that's used in the medical industry all the time. It's great to be able to use your hands. It's just hell to have to. It's almost like saying God, I love my job, I just don't like doing it.
Speaker 1:It's very rare that you'll ever hear me say that's what she said after somebody says some kind of joke with a sexual innuendo, after somebody says some kind of joke with a sexual innuendo. But we're on the next hole in putting and I leave another one short. And Dr Payne just looks at me and goes you know, you got to get it up to get it in. And I immediately said that's what she said. And I'm like I'm fucking, what a fucking idiot I am. So we get to the seventh hole and the white boxes are way back. It's now like 204 yards over water to get to the green.
Speaker 1:This is a nemesis hole for a lot of people and I speak about this in my episodes how you can't let it get in your head. You can't defeat yourself. You have to think positive. And then you have to pick a point in the tree line past the green so you're not looking at the water. I mean, I've talked about killer bee does this all the time and this guy hit some incredible shots. So I get up to the hole, I pull out my four hybrid. My four hybrid can be my 200 yard club. It just hasn't been yet. So I go and I hit what I believe is a fairly good shot and the ball's going up in the air. It's heading, it's got this baby draw to it and bam, right at the edge of the water by the green. So I might've hit it 185, 190. Not good enough. Dr Payne pulls out his three hybrid.
Speaker 1:It's the same brand as my club, except it's a three hybrid hits it to the middle of the green and I'm like, let me try that. I pick it up and I hit an incredible shot that felt so good that landed somewhere in the middle of the green. So I look at my four hybrid and I said did you see that? Did you see that? Well, let me tell you. I think our clubs have a mind of their own. I think they display emotions and I'll explain why. We get to the next hole it is the longest par four on the course. I hit a pretty good drive and now I've got 200 yards out to the green and I had just talked to my forward about how Dr Payne's 3-wood was a better club. And I get set up, I do my waggle, I waggle that shit and I go to smack that shit and the ball shanks. I have never shanked a hybrid in my life. And I look at my club and I just say I'm sorry, I hurt your feelings. This is all on me. I should not have been showing you the three hybrid and making you feel I was going to trade you in, because all my clubs know about what happens when they don't perform. They know they go in probation. So I apologize to my club. It's all my fault. I put it back in. I'm able to make the next shot. I apologize to my club. It's all my fault. I put it back in. I'm able to make the next shot.
Speaker 1:Two putt, not a great hole, but now we get to the ninth hole. It's a long par five. We both hit really good drives and now I am 200 yards out. Do I take my four hybrid? Well, I go up to it. I apologize again. I said look, the three is not in the future. Wink, wink. I had one hand behind my back I think my fingers were crossed and I pull out the four hybrid and I hit it and it flies towards the green. It lands towards the front but doesn't make it onto the surface of the green. I mean just hits the edge and I kiss it and I put it back in my bag. It was like Michael Corleone kissing Fredo.
Speaker 5:You broke my heart.
Speaker 2:You broke my heart.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile, the whole time I'm thinking I got to get to David Ayers and get myself a three hybrid, but I can't tell my four hybrid that I mean. What do you think? I am crazy.
Speaker 3:Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave because I'd go berserk? And they're coming to take me away, ha-ha, they're coming to take me away, ho-ho, he-he, ha-ha, to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats. And they're coming to take me away.
Speaker 1:You've been listening to an episode of Tales from the First Tee. We're talking to my golf clubs. Putting them in probation and then pointing out other crazy behavior on the golf course apparently is resonating with a lot of people in a lot of different places around the world who are just as crazy. Like I was saying until I rudely interrupted myself, I'm your host, rich Easton, recording from beautiful Charleston, south Carolina. Talk to you soon.